fluffnstuff | New year, new ships

His heart has never felt as full as when he watches her come over and sit on the side of his bed. And when their fingers brush? He thinks his heart might seize.

Eventually, when she speaks after a long while, the pressure behind his eyes returns, not realizing how much he would've missed her voice if he actually had died. Her words bring immeasurable comfort he never knew he could have before that exact moment.

"I know," he whispers, turning his hand over so he can caress her fingers in return. His eyes meet hers.

Cassian doesn't say anything for a long while but he eventually speaks. "We're alive. How is that even possible?"

It's so strange, she thinks, the way that feelings have changed and grown and morphed into this (whatever this is) after their initial ... distrust of each other. But here they are, and Jyn silently vows to stay here, no matter what.

It's hard to breathe, and hard to see clearly, and hard to think, but she's so happy to feel the rough warmth of his hand, and to hear his voice, and to know that wants her here, wants to give and take and share comfort, and to, for a moment, celebrate the fact that they've made it through.

"One last transport - I remember helping them get you on board, and then me, and I didn't think we were going to make it, but ... just as we hit hyperspace, I passed out. Woke up here, with you."

He nods along, knowing he'll hear about what happened through gossip, or, if not, during a debrief. What they did on Scarif was huge - even if he doesn't know what happened after they were picked up, he knows that what they did could potentially tip the scales in their favor for the rest of this war. If he had died, at least he knew it wouldn't be in vain.

He's afraid to ask his next question, but he has to know - he has to know who else made it off the beach, if any. But he feels like he already knows the answer in the back of his mind - what they did on Scarif...it was a suicide mission.

"The others?"

He and Jyn were the ones who brought their whole group together - he feels responsible for them: Bodhi, Chirrut, Baze. His heart aches for a moment when he thinks about K2 - the reprogrammed droid sacrificed itself for them.

It would be difficult enough to hear it through an official debrief, but to hear it any other way, whispered about, or the lost not being given the respect that they deserve - that would just make it all the worse. As if any of this could feel worse. Sure, there is some tentative good, in that they'd gotten the plans out, but ... there was still so much work to do.

There was always work to do.

Jyn doesn't know the details, and doesn't know that she wants to know the details, but she knows one thing - when they were brought aboard that transport, there was surprise and shock in one of the rescuer's voices when he called to the pilot 'these are the only two, let's get out of here'.

She swallows down the lump in her throat and shook her head slightly, probably all the confirmation that Cassian needs. But maybe he needs to hear it, too, and she needs to say it, and it needs to be ... final.

"No. Just us."

She thinks of Kay's selfless sacrifice, just to give them one moment more, and she thinks of Chirrut's ceaseless faith, and Baze's quiet acceptance ('little sister', he'd called her, and for a moment, she felt like maybe ... maybe she really had found somewhere to belong), and Bodhi's sad eyes, and she never got a chance to ask about her father, or really even get to know them, and they're gone, and she's still here, and doesn't quite understand how that's fair ...

Edited 2017-01-05 17:43 (UTC)

He's silent for a long while, looking away from Jyn. The grief he feels is just as palpable as the relief he felt a moment earlier. They're gone. All of them. And he can't do a damn thing about it.

He's experienced loss before, but this...this feels different. They had all been innocent. Not like him. Not like Cassian who has killed people just to tie up loose ends. Not like Cassian who takes any and all orders from the higher ups and executes them, no questions asked no matter how immoral they were.

And he should've guessed it, too. The medbay is eerily quiet. There are no machines running except for his, no snoring, nothing. Just him and Jyn.

"Are you okay?"

He looks at her again. He can't do anything about what happened, but he can at least make sure that Jyn is alright.

She feels it, too, deeply, and thoroughly, a hurt that she thinks might never fade. And guilt, so much guilt for having survived it all somehow, when she'd been fully expecting not to ... and being at peace with that, mostly, because she was with Cassian, because they were holding each other tightly, because she wasn't alone.

Jyn's done awful things, too, when she was part of Saw's group, and when she was on her own - oh, the things a person has to do in order to survive - and she understands. She understands the 'why me's', and the feeling of being lost, and not knowing if there's any rhyme or reason to it all, if she even deserves to keep going on.

The question should be easy to answer, but instead it's the hardest thing in the world for her to figure out. The silence is deafening as she sits and struggles to find something, anything to say. Eventually, she decides that maybe the truth is better than a lie, and besides, even if she tries to downplay what she's feeling, he'd probably know. "No", she answers, holding onto his hand a little tighter. "Are you?"

Physically, she's probably fine. She hadn't sustained injuries like he had. But everything else? He feels that way, too. He doesn't know when he'll ever be okay.

In the end, he never meant to care this much about some delinquent he had been forced to bring with him on a mission. He never meant to care this much about Chirrut, Baze, and Bodhi. But now? For the first time in a long time, he feels like he needs to reexamine his priorities. For so long, all he wanted was to avenge his parents' deaths by joining and fighting for the Rebel Alliance, but it's made him hard - and the walls, his prison, are so high.

"No," he said, shaking his head once. Because of the fall, his chest and back are in bad shape, but it's more than that. He's so tired.

She'll survive. But the emotional wounds would take a much longer time to heal - if they could heal, at all.

Funny, isn't it, the way that something that had started out as distrust, and disinterest, and dishonesty could shift and change and grow into so much more, and now, a grief that was beginning to settle deep in her bones, a grief that would always be there. And she's exhausted in every single way that a person can be exhausted - and so tired of fighting, just existing, and doing it alone.

The noise that she huffs out might have resembled a chuckle, but there was no amusement to be heard. "Do you think we ever will be?"

He smiles ruefully at her question because he knows the answer immediately. "No, probably not."

He takes her hand more confidently and pulls it over to his lips, kissing the back of it. What he wants now is to find comfort in her. It's been so lonely, the life he's lived, even with K2. He never thought he'd need someone like Jyn in his life - someone who would be there, to listen to, to talk to, to just be with...but now the prospect of it sounds so enticing. He can only fight for the rebellion for so long until his body gives out and what then?

This time, she does find herself a bit more amused. At least now she knows where Kay got his unflinching honesty from. "Well", she replies, shrugging gently, "At least we're in it together."

Because they are ... right? Because that's what it felt like back in that elevator, and even on the beach, and because that's how it feels now, as they give and take some sense of comfort from each other.

Even though she's surprised by the gesture, she doesn't show it, and doesn't pull her hand back, more than content with the gently intimate gesture. She never could have anticipated needing anyone quite like this, but the very idea of leaving now is unthinkable.

And Jyn doesn't know what the immediate or even long-term future holds for them, but she knows that she wants it to include Cassian. What a terrifying feeling, even though she's certain of it.

The need is something he's never experienced before - it's all encompassing and constant, but it's frightening at the same time. How have people lived like this before?

"We are," he promised, his tone resolute. In the elevator, on the beach, when their demise seemed so certain, all he could think about was the life he could've had with her - if only they had time.

And now, unfairly, they do. He's not going to waste this second chance.

"Jyn..." He's quiet for a moment, trying to come up with something to say. "What now?"

Jyn's never wanted to feel attached to anyone or anything ever since the loss of her mother, the kidnapping of her father, his death, another hurt that might not ever heal correctly. But here she was, horrified by the prospect of needing another person so much that she can't imagine her life without them.

Here she is, holding on as tightly as she can manage, both metaphorically and literally, and she has no idea how any of this is supposed to work, but she's certain - as certain as anything she's ever been certain of - that this is the way things are supposed to be.

They are inextricably linked. Maybe, they're the only people who could ever fully understand the other.

She breathes out sharply, unsure of the right answer, or if there even was one. "I don't know - ", she answers, shaking her head. "What do you want?"

What he wants? No one has asked him that in so long. He doesn't even know how to answer such a question - to be able to be completely honest with another person. He doesn't even know how to string together the right words to say what he has in his mind about what he wants.

But there is one word - one name - that comes to mind when he thinks about what he wants. "You."

Jumping right into a battle feels less frightening than this - at least in a battle, he knows who to shoot and what to do. But right now? Making this confession? He feels like he's in a dark room, trying to find his way out.

If the tables were turned, and he'd asked her what she wants, Jyn wouldn't quite know how to articulate her thoughts, either. For so long, she's done what needs to be done with hardly a spare thought to herself, it's difficult to say or even to consider what she might want for her life, especially now.

Something small and hopeful begins to bloom in the pit of her belly when he says that he wants her. She's no real prize, she thinks, but then, he's known that from the beginning.

This is nerve-wracking, being open and honest and admitting things she might've normally swallowed down and kept inside, but this was, maybe, a fresh start, which needs complete honesty to begin correctly. As her lips lift into a tiny smile, and as she breathes out a soft chuckle that almost sounds like a sob, she decides to speak a truth that they've both known since the beach.

"You've already got me."

Her statement confirms what he thought he imagined in that elevator and on that beach. She had him - the moment they left for Scarif, when he promised her "all the way" - she had him then and there.

"Then there's something that I've been meaning to do." He tugs on her hand again, pulling her closer to him - and when she's close enough, he sits up on his elbows, stifling the groan that threatens to escape from his throat from the pain, and he presses his lips to hers in a soft kiss.

He's kissed other people before - but this one is different - this feels permanent despite the war, despite the threat of death every single day.

And thank goodness for that, because where would Jyn be if everything between them was still as shaky and unsure as it was in the beginning? All the way, he'd said, and now, she knows that all the way, he meant. There is no explaining the torrent of emotions that wash over her to realize it.

"Don't hurt yourself", she murmurs, although she doesn't resist the way he pulls her close, and certainly doesn't hesitate in returning the kiss, an embarrassingly hungry little whine all the noise she makes as she tries both to keep as close as possible, and to keep from injuring Cassian all the worse (she'd never forgive herself if she did, not even accidentally).

Nothing has felt as right as this moment.

After a few seconds, he groans, the pain being too much, so he lies back down, taking in deep breaths. But it's worth it. Seeing the look on her face - the taste of her lips - being that close to her, he'd fall down 20 more feet if it meant being able to kiss her again. "The pain isn't so bad," he said, trying to mask it his grimace. He smiles instead.

His hands rest on her arms, a feeble attempt at trying to hold her without causing any more pain to himself. He just wants to be close to her.

It was perfect, just the way it was. And it floors Jyn to realize that it's not an only kiss, that it's the first that they'll share, because there's no way that she's going to go a day without showing Cassian just how deeply she feels for him. Maybe he already knows it even as she arches an eyebrow skeptically, shaking her head. "You're lying. But it won't always be so bad, you're going to heal, you're going to be just fine."

And she will be with him every step of the way.

It's comforting, the way that he keeps his hands on her, but after the kiss, after knowing what it feels like to hold each other tight, the distance still feels too far. She just wants to be close. She just wants to lay together, even if neither of them gets any sleep. She just wants to be with him.

If this is what the future holds - despite all the loss and pain and guilt and regret and shame - he'd do it all over again. He'll put his neck on the line every time for her. He'll fight for her - because even if he doesn't know what the future holds for them, he knows that they'll be by each other's sides and that's enough.

He smiles at her resolution and nods. "Stay with me."

The need to be close is intense. It feels as though lying together isn't going to be enough, but he moves over anyway, as if he read her mind, and makes enough space for her to lie down next to him.

Nothing is guaranteed, and Jyn knows that, but she'll face whatever comes their way head on, determined to make whatever time they've got together worth everything they've endured along the way.

"Of course", she murmurs, careful and cautious as she attempts to find a way to practically plaster herself to his side without aggravating his injuries, needing the comfort of as much contact as possible. "Anytime you need me to."

He smiles at her softly, always is what he wants to say in response, but he doesn't. It's too soon for those kinds of absolutes even though he feels it in his bones.

Rolling over carefully, he faces her, looking into her eyes, seeing for the first time just how many different colors there are in them. His arm wraps around her waist, fitting together on the narrow bed like puzzle pieces.

Somewhere in the distance, he can hear the sound of an X-wing taking off.

As much as she'd love to make the same promise, she knows that it might be impossible to keep. Hopefully, it's enough to imbue it in every look, and every touch, and everything she says, no matter how mundane. Always.

She's quiet as she reaches up to trace the scruffy line of his jaw, fingertips gentle, committing every sight and feel and reaction to memory, as content as she can feel just to be together, just to be close, just to share this tender intimacy.

Despite everything else, in the moment, she is happy.

He looks at her silently, his eyes scanning her face. This is probably the longest and closest he's ever been to her. But now he doesn't have to wonder what her lips feel like against his or how his arm would fit around her waist. She gives those to him without question, willingly.

He's read her file - he knows more or less what her life has been like since Saw rescued her after her mother died and her father was taken away. All he wants is for her to feel wanted again. He never, ever wants her to feel as though she's alone in the universe.

Any other time, or place, or person, and the intensity of the gaze might grate on her nerves, if not worse. But Jyn finds that she doesn't mind it in this case, because she's just as intent on learning Cassian, too, from head to foot and back again, all the little details that she hasn't yet had time to discover.

And, at least on her part, reassuring herself that this isn't some ... fever dream, that it's real, and true, that she isn't somehow just making it all up as a way to ... cope.

She doesn't feel alone now, and that makes all the difference. "You're warm", she mumbles, and there are tears tinging her voice all over again, gentle as she finds a way to burrow all the closer still. "This alright?"

"It's perfect." He presses his lips to her forehead, trying to ease whatever's plaguing her mind because he can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. Combing back her hair with his fingers, he looks down at her again. How can someone so small be so incredibly tough and resilient?

He can slowly feel the walls - the prison - he's built around him crumble because of her. All he wants is to let her in - to be able to share their pain and to have her want him nonetheless.

New year, new ships

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